I don’t know what it is about me and my dreams. We have a bittersweet relationship. Some days I’m super duper confident and then other days I’m like whoa wtf am I doing!
Today for example, perfect day. I spent time with my family, me and my bf finally talked for more than ten minutes so overall I was in a pretty good mood.
Then, somehow as the night progressed..something shifted and I fell into this sad and dark mood.
I stared at my calendar, browsed my email and my publicist sent me a few dates to secure for interviews while we’re doing some networking in New York and out of nowhere I got scared.
Literally, at the dining room table that I deemed my office while at home in Atlanta, I got scared.
I looked over at the growing pile of notebooks filled with outlines, deadlines, character developments and my heartbeat increased.
Then I get on social media and I have complete strangers commenting under pictures telling me how wonderful of a writer I am, and how I’m an inspiration and I’m like whoa okay now just back up just a little bit.
I tend to want to become this amazing, influential, woman but then I think of the horrid things I did in college, the people who I may have hurt or possibly betrayed and I question myself and the place I’ve put myself in and I ask myself, “Girl who do you think you are?”
So as I sit here, with maybe a few tears or so running down my face, I’m drinking coffee with not that much creamer since we ran out and I listen to Tasha Cobbs and a few other of my favorite worship songs. I tell myself that the devil doesn’t get to roll with me anymore.
Fear has got to go.
I mean really, how much longer am I expected to carry the baggage of 2011 and 2012 on my back. I rededicated my life back in 2013 so as I always tell people anything I did don’t tag me to it.
That’s not me anymore, sorry.
I love my life and I’m in love with the woman I’m becoming but on nights like this when my past is dancing in the back of my head and horrid memories replay of who I used to be I tackle myself down and I become defeated.
I’ve reached a place of peace and solace and I’m literally in a bubble, this bubble is so solid that no matter how hard you try to bust it, it’s just not happening.
I feel myself wanting to validate who I am so people can know, hey what you’re probably hearing isn’t true.
I’m not brand new, I didn’t let success, fame, money or any of those artificial things that people love to worship..they didn’t get to me.
That’s not what happened.
I feel myself wanting to explain my position and tell what really happened but honestly, F it.
I know where I am and where I’m trying to be and for many months now, I was allowing fear to keep me stagnant. But now, I’m stronger, I’m wiser, I’m strategic with any and every decision I make and God is moving in my life like never before.
Fear really needs to go elsewhere, it has to leave me alone.
I rebuke it from my mind and my spirit.
2016 has so much in store for me and I refuse to continue to harbor my past.
I can’t let that get to me anymore.
So in closing ,this blog really wasn’t for you or was it?
What are you holding on too?
What is keeping you from being where you truly desire to be?
I have a script I’ve been working on for a little minute now I need to just send it off, I have a self-help book that’s outlined to the tee but as I told my mom every time I go to work on it I feel like someone is going to say I’m too young to be offering help to people…so I get scared and I stop every time
I have this grand idea that is guaranteed to change the world, but I’m too scared to step out on faith.
But, I can’t continue to claim MOGUL and walk in fear at the same time.
So if you’re reading this pray for me.
And I’m definitely here to encourage you to do whatever you need to do to get to where you want to be.
With one click of an email this time last year, my career was started.
I’m definitely a living testimony of dreams coming true…and it’s really only the beginning.