Day 5 in London and I told my mother last night I don’t want to leave, surprisingly she wasn’t filled with fury and I was quite relieved. I love it here and the feeling isn’t even indescribable. I woke up this morning and I was full of joy. For the first time it wasn’t joy because of the night before, or morning sex or head….it wasn’t joy because it was PAYDAY and I surpassed my goal for the month.
It wasn’t joy because I knew I was expected to receive a package of new clothes or shoes.
This joy wasn’t physical or mental, hell, it wasn’t even financial.
It was spiritual.
This morning as I rolled over in the very comfortable bed I had been sleeping in, I smiled
And said THANK YOU LORD.
I was joyous
Nothing was on my mind other then a cup of coffee and my prayer journal which was near by.
To be truthful, I came to London to hear God.
Sadly, I couldn’t hear him clearly in Atlanta.
Distracted by happy hours and all you can eat crabs on Monday…I was beginning to lose sight of who I was.
Distracted by good dick and conversation- canI be honest today?
Distracted by social media
Distracted by this industry that im in and have no desire to be
Distracted by pointless meetings that get me nowhere
Distracted by this person wanting more from me than I have the energy to give
Distracted by that feeling of not being enough not doing enough but at the same I had done a lot and still was left feeling like WTF
I know it maybe a good thing that I had accomplished all of my goals but for me it was a bummer.
Nights were turning into weeks and I couldn’t shake this sense of depression and emptiness.
Gone were the days where I stayed up all night working and writing, writing and working.
I felt as if I had done what I wanted to do- career wise.
So I was weary.
Writing wasn’t a challenge for me anymore.
I stopped checking my accounts because I knew they all were full of money, I had even stopped checking the receipt when I checked out at restaurants .who the fuck was I?
I was in a daze – mentally.
I was using any and every experience I encountered and writing about it and luckily, it worked for me.
My readers were able to connect with my books without me trying hard to do so.
My past few releases came from me effortlessly and upon its release and I would read the reviews I would be so surprised because it took nothing from me.
I wanted something to be excited about again.
I wanted to love what I did all over again
My passion had become my purpose and then that turned into my paycheck and it made me miserable.
Nothing excited me anymore.
Not a number one not nothing.
I wondered what was next for me.
Lately Ive been contemplating going back to school, starting a publishing company, launching this web-series that’s been on my to do list for quite some time, I wanted to take some classes and become a public speaker, I wanted to open a nail salon and had begun work on that task.
I was trying to find my next itch.
Something to keep me busyas writing had once done
So this trip to LONDON was that
It’s to ponder over what’s next for me.
What’s my next big challenge
I came here to cry and pray and love myself
I came here to encourage myself- im always the one encouraging
I came here to see me forwho I am and to love what I see, to embrace what I see
Im flawed ill be the first to admit that
But I am changed
I have changed
Im not that girl anymore
I turned 23a few weeks ago and no, I don’t consider myself a grown woman because of the numerous bills I pay or the people on my payroll
I consider myself grown because Iface my trials and tribulations.
I’m a woman because I don’t mind admitting when im wrong
Im a woman because I can tell myself when I slack and need to get back on my shit.
For me, London was a reset button.
I didn’t run away here but damn it if I didn’t jog.
It’s a feeling of peace here that I can’t really explain but it feels so amazing
Everyone here is happy everyone here isn’t worried about tomorrow
So many smiles.
I wanted to smile again
I wanted to be free again
Before I planned this eat pray love journey I was a ball of stress
Trying to stay afloat, having breakdowns every single day
I was discouraged and miserable
I had my good andbad days but they were all based off of something or someone else.
London needed me and I needed London
It’s a few things I’m here to rid myself of and day by day I feel it happening for me.
My friend sent me something last night and in that moment I asked God to bless her for being obedient.
She didn’t have to send that to me but she did.
Not knowing how much I needed it.
My thing with this whole “friendship” ordealis that people want to much from you
I don’t talk to anyone every day.
Not even my mother.
I don’t have it in me.
Energy is real and spirits are even realer
Not saying that my friends are demons but I don’t want to talk every day
I’m grateful that I have friends that get me and rock with me despite not hearing me maybe once or twice every 2 weeks
My heart is in the right place I promise
It’s not too often you get friends that genuinely want the best for you and that pray for you.
I have been blessed to have an amazing group of supportive women and I pray they feel the same way about me.
Often, I ask God for signs and wonders and not once or twice but three times yesterday did he send signs to me.
These are a few that stuck with me: please read below:
We saywe want something new but won’t let the go the old – because we’re emotionally attached. We must release the old FIRST and trust God until He brings the new.
Even though God gives everyone a future, everyone isn’t qualified for it.
You know youre in a good place when you think of your past and there isn’t resentment
Your past wont come back until God elevates you
If God ever allows something old to come back it wont come back the same way it left, it will appear differently
If someone comes in your life and they pull you away from God they weren’t sent by Him
Your past if good….its good for 2 things
- a learning experience – whether good, bad, ugly or indifferent.
- Don’t try to recreate your past. Let it expire and move onto the next thing.
- 2. To be used in a time or trial – as a reflection
- sometimes you gotta be a lamb – passive – and other times you gotta be a lion – aggressive
AND THIS LINE STUCK WITH ME THE MOST
Where you’re going and where you’ve been can’t have the same address.
Your past and present can’t coexist.
Anybody else felt that the way I did?
Talk about hitting the nail on the head.
Listen here, my mother is the GOAT
I don’t know a woman better then her and let me say this – SHE AIN’T PERFECT but shes real and ill take a real person in my life any day.
A lot of people know what I went through in my relationship and if not then visit previous stamps in the passport – he’s no longer worth me typing about (GROWTH)
But I told my mom about my new beau and she paused
Seconds later, I said, “hello”
We were using facetime audio so I figured the connection was lost.
She then spoke to me and said, “Do you see how awesome God is?
I wasn’t following her so I said, “yeah I’m blessed ma”
She said, “no baby, I prayed for this. I prayed for a companion for you not a lover not a good boyfriend but a companion”
So she went on to say that no matter what her and my daddy go through they’re always friends. First.
She explained to me the importance of laying the right foundation in the beginning meaning friendship.
She told me to take things slow – which I’m doing and she said God will handle the rest.
Im broken – was broken – still broken . still trying to figure that part out
I don’t even hate my ex I don’t love him either which scares me.
Let me say this, love isn’t supposed to break you
I feel as if love is to make you complete, but not complete in a way where you were nothing prior to falling in love.
I tell everyone who trusts my opinion
Get you together
Girls be so ready to fall in love but don’t have a thousand dollars to their name
Fix you first
Fall in love with you first
The most important relationship you will ever have after the one you have with God is with yourself.
As crazy as it may sound I am my best friend
I shop with myself, get drunk with myself, I take myself to eat, to the movies, art gallery, paintingetc.
Although I am in London I’m already planning my next trip which will be to D.C. for a few days because I want to go to the new museum there and meet some of my readers.
This stamp may seem all over the place today and maybe it’s for me and not for you which is fine.
I want to encourage someone to know that where you are isn’t permanent.
Not in a million years would I expect to be sitting in a coffee shop in London
Every time I getin the shower I close my eyes and say thank you LORD.
My parents are straight, they’re well off, I had a great childhood, I’ve traveled the world since a little girl but this time its different for me because I’m doing it for myself by myself.
This sense of independency means so much to me.
It’s a blessing to do what I do
I told my mama last night I pay my bills with a big smile on my face
Why? Because I prayed for these days
I was so tired of living off my parents money I wanted my own and I went and got it!
2017 will be great
im not sure what 2017 has in store for me
im in London trying to figure it all out
it seems as if the more I try to say oh im about to wrap up writing God sends me new ideas and storylines and people messaging me saying how much they appreciate my books so lol idk what to do but what I wont do is cut my gift off before its time
I feel myself shifting with every book I write
I already know that after the UNDERWORLD collection is complete
I want to go into politicalbased books but whose to say…
The one thing ive learned to do is trust God and not to worry.
I love talking to Him about what I need and want.
Again, you’re probably reading this like girl nako what are you talking about today
Im not a fan of my handwriting so typing is all I have lol
If you got nothing out of my stamp for today, ill leave you with this
IFGOD IS MAKING YOU WAIT THEN BE PREPARED TO RECEIVE MORE THAN WHAT YOU ASKED FOR.
I saw that on instagram and I loved it so much.
Trust the timing of your life
Maybe your eat pray love journey isn’t needed right now
Maybe not even nextyear
Maybe you don’t hear from God right now.
Maybe 2016 wasn’t your year for breakthrough and blessings
Maybe you don’t feel broken
Maybe you didn’t accomplish all of your goals
Maybe you know your purpose
Maybe you don’t desire love
Maybe just maybe……
This was for me and not for you
And that’s okay