What Do I Do Now

What do I do now?


The dust has settled. We had our final talk and we’re officially broken up. Free to do whatever we want and whoever we want. I thought that I would be okay. Day one after we split, I was sad, but joy comes in the morning and the next day I was straight. I prayed all night and I was okay in the morning.  Day two and three were okay, but day four. Day four is when I started thinking. Constantly thinking about what went wrong. We weren’t perfect, but damn, I didn’t think it would be like this. I didn’t think it would end like this. Typing these words, brings tears to my eyes, because I never thought that this would be my reality. I never thought that I would curse you out, with the same mouth that placed sweet kisses all over your body. I never thought that we would be in this place. Now I’m crying. Give me a minute to get myself together. These days I’m trying to keep the tears away, but I guess I should acknowledge them and let them fall.


Okay… I’m okay. It’s going on day twelve and I’ve felt every emotion in the dictionary. Anger. Guilt. Sadness. Happiness. Disappointment. Embarrassment. Shame. Fear. Honestly, I’m a mess.


So what do I do now?


 How to do I move forward when the path ahead of me looks unrecognizable? Everyone tells me to stay busy, but I don’t feel like it. I have over a million things that I could be doing, but the only thing I want to do is call you. If I could hear you say that you’re ready, that you’re sorry. I would be okay. Knowing that you can end the pain, doesn’t make me feel better because if you wanted to make things right you would. It hurts to admit that, but it’s the truth.


What do I do now? What do I do now?


Should I start dating? No. I know I sound dramatic, but you left a mark on my heart that can’t be replaced by just anyone.  I guess I’m hurt because our relationship wasn’t filled with lies and cheating. I never felt disrespected or unloved. I never felt like I came in second place until now.


What do I do now?


Work. Write. Pray. I can’t heal if I’m not honest about how I feel. I’m hurt. I literally feel like my heart is being ripped in half. I tell my clients that they have to take things one day at time, so I guess I’ll listen to that advice. One day at a time. I’ll get through this. Broken hearts do heal. I’ll be okay. This too shall past. God has a plan for my life. I’m okay. I have to constantly tell myself these things, because if I don’t thoughts of you creep into my mind.


We had so much fun together, so many laughs and inside jokes.


I’m going to be okay. God has a plan for my life.


WE WERE IN LOVE. Our shit wasn’t perfect, but it was real. You, me and God know the things we’ve been through. The love we made. The things we’ve done. The conversations we had.


God has a plan for my life. I’m going to be okay.


YOU MADE ME BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN. Man, I felt like you were everything I prayed for when we met.


What do I do now?


Just take it one day at a time.


-Shauntell Monique Howard