In The Middle
*I didn’t write this for you, more so for my own personal therapy. If this stamp reaches you where you are…what a blessing. And if it doesn’t, sorry to have wasted your time*
Before I start, I want to include some definitions because I wouldn’t be me if I don’t try to pull you in, one way or the other.
Fasting- Abstain from all or some kind of food or drink for spiritual observance.
Detoxing – Abstain from or rid the body of toxic or unhealthy substances.
Recluse – A person who lives a solitary life and tends to avoid other people.
Energy – The strength and vitality required for sustained for physical and mental activity.
Alright, read over those. Let it sit. Marinate. Reflect and let it resonate with your spirit.
I’m going to be honest it’s been awhile since I blogged or even wanted too. The Passport requires me to sit and be honest…with myself.
It was one of the reasons why I wanted to add contributors to the blog so that maybe I could take some of the light off my bullshit.
The Passport forces me to take sometimes 30 minutes to an hour and deal with whatever I have been mentally putting off. And today, at 9:36 p.m. I couldn’t do it anymore.
I tried to take a nap.
Do shit that I didn’t want to do.
But my eyeballs kept finding its way to my laptop.
So here I am.
If I’m allowed to be honest, I haven’t been myself this week and I told my mom about an hour ago I know it’s because I had different energies in my house this past weekend.
Normally, before I have a girls night in, my mind is clear and I’m able to pray before my girlfriends arrive.
But luckily for me, I suppose…my friends actually show up at the time on the flyer.
So I wasn’t able to take a few minutes to myself and get my head together.
And even then, when I did go upstairs to get dressed, I had to use the bathroom and then my boyfriend called to check in and wish me a good event so again, there was no time to pray before the night began.
I’m really big on energy and that’s one of the reasons why I don’t let too many people get close to me.
Or if you were close to me and we aren’t anymore…than 9 times out of ten, something was off and I had to distance myself.
That night I couldn’t tap in for some reason and I hate that I wasn’t able to because I truly believed that some of my girls had breakthroughs.
But mentally I was not there.
I’m not sure if it was because the event was crashed by unwanted guests or because my week was full and I didn’t get a chance to just take some time to myself.
Again, I am not sure.
But since that night my mind has been under attack.
From dealing with my own personal fears, insecurities, setbacks, goals and resetting goals over and over again. My mind has been all over the place.
I don’t really have an “in-between” space.
You know how most people are mellowed out.
Nope, not me.
I’m either super energetic and bubbly or I just ain’t feeling it.
And this week…chile, I ain’t had two words for people.
From me dealing with my tonsils being extremely enlarged and barely getting any sleep because of the excruciating pain to wrecking my brand new Audi…I haven’t been in the best mood.
It’s like these past few months, things have been going great.
From signing a contract for a distribution deal, to a few numbers ones, to me and my boyfriend finally finding peace amongst our drama and issues…to my mother recovering and getting herself back together, to me just embracing who I am and slowly but surely not damaging myself in the process of wanting to be this perfect person.
I was finally feeling okay.
And then this week I don’t know, things went left for me.
Every month I am prepared to put a substantial amount into my savings and retirement and I swear these last three months that was not possible.
If it was possible I was going back to get the money out of my savings for some sort of emergency.
Right when I had deposited a few stacks into my savings, here I was having to deal with out of nowhere hospital costs and my meds were so freaking expensive and then my car…
And I was just like OMG I can’t catch a break.
And then people always asking for shit. It’s like time I post that I’m out to eat someone is coming asking for some money.
So ( deep breath) before I dive deep into this bad boy, let me remind you that I didn’t write this for you.
And my heart is beating and my eyes are getting teary.
I actually just stopped to turn all of the lights off and the music down so I could fully release what I’m going through right now and when I’m done it’s my prayer that I feel better and can finally get some sleep without tossing and turning.
This week was an eye opener for me.
I realized that I’m bigger than everyone around me.
And no, not because I’m a thick, plus-size chick that seriously needs to lose some damn weight but I’m bigger.
I’m bigger because I bite my tongue a LOT.
I rather not talk to you than deal with whatever the issue is.
Which isn’t a good thing but I’m big on peace.
I’m big on my energy.
So whenever I’m uncomfortable I tend to recluse.
I tend to back up in a corner and deal with whatever it is that YOU did to me.
This week, I had realized that I’m in a place that I don’t think I want to be in.
How is it that I’m 23 years old but I’m convinced that I’m 45. I literally feel like an old ass woman.
From the time I wake up, I’m dealing with bills and business.
I’m worrying myself with appointments, and meetings that haven’t come yet.
I stalk my email, every single tab waiting to hear back from someone.
Whether, it’s Essence, xonecole, Blavity…Will Packer..somebody.
Please email me back.
That’s how I feel.
At church on Sunday, I cried so hard from the pits of my soul.
Because the Pastor told us to stay in EXPECTATION.
And only if he knew just how anxious I am for something good to happen to me.
I cried real tears on Sunday because I’m weary.
I’m weary in well doing.
And I’m tired.
And I’m hopeless.
And my faith is weak.
And I’m not sure of myself.
And I stress myself out every day because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and I don’t know where I will be in three years.
I don’t know if one day I’ll sit at this laptop and nothing will come to mind.
And damn it. That scares me.
I cried so hard on Sunday because only God knows how I really feel right now.
I spend a lot of time by myself.
I recluse a lot.
I work from home, my boyfriend works all day so I’m home by myself.
Again, a lot.
All of that time in a quiet place sometimes drives me crazy but at the same time I’m forced to tend to ME.
Sunday opened my eyes to a lot of things and there was one point in the service where I wanted to literally do back flips through the aisles but I kept my cool.
I had to ask God for forgiveness.
I held my stomach and I clenched my eyes shut ,begging Him to forgive me.
Not for any sins, although I sin daily.
But I had to ask Him to forgive me because I expect a lot out of people, just as I expect a lot from myself.
And you know, people will disappoint you.
Energy is real
.and sometimes, we spend so much time with people that you don’t really see them in another light because you’re around them so much and I had to ask God to forgive me because I had began to expect people to treat me how I treat them.
And in reality, they’re not obligated to do so if they don’t want too.
Newsflash: no one will love you like you are supposed to love you.
People can try but it’s really not on them to make you happy.
And this week, I realized that.
My birthday is coming up.
I didn’t want much.
Me and my boyfriend are going to L.A. to shop and bring in Chapter 24. Last year my cousin took me to LA for my birthday and we had so much fun so I knew that’s where I wanted to be.
He doesn’t get out much and every day, he’s talking about the damn trip so I’m actually ready for it to come lol.
But anyway, I opted out on doing a party, then yesterday changed my mind when my friend offered to have it for free at her parents club.
She told me to just show up and everything would be in place.
You know it’s always the ones you ain’t gotta talk to every day.
On that same day, another friend texted me and said I wanted to have you a dinner but you eat out so much I know you prob done already been to the place I want to have it at and after much prodding she finally told me the location and it’s actually one of my new go-to’s lol!
And instantly, tears flooded my eyes because I was just complaining to my mama about not ever having nothing done for me.
People don’t do shit for me.
Like for real.
And I know that I shouldn’t care and then I really don’t because I have no problem treating me. I do it all of the time but I think that I get really sensitive around my birthday. And it’s been that way since I went to college. Birthdays are really really big in my family and my parents since birth have went all out for me each year. And my 18th birthday was really the last party they funded and ever since then…I’m just really icky around my born day. and I make no apologies for that.
No one never calls and say, I’m picking you up I’m taking you out.
No one ever picks up the tab.
Nothing, I literally look at all of my friends snaps and stuff and I’m just like damn yall be having fun. I never get an invite.
But people always come to my “free” stuff and I’m okay with that.
I’m actually used to it.
So when my girl told me she was putting something together for me. I was seriously honored but then told her it could just be me and her.
Back to my birthday.
I didn’t have any plans but the one thing I wanted to do nobody could make it happen.
Or at least, let me say no one tried.
Until I just came right out and told my friend like look I wanna go but I’m not paying to go and she was like alright why you ain’t just say that and I’m like damn I did you must ain’t take me serious! But anyway, my lil wish got granted but to me, it shouldn’t have took that.
Like why do I have to SAY – it’s my birthday you should do this or you should do that.
You know I don’t do people like that.
I go above and beyond. I give my last and I try to be the best whomever you need me to be in your life.
And I told my own sister, like my feelings are hurt and she apologized but it really went over my head. Honestly truly.
For me it was just a reality check. To fall back.
And I think that’s what bothered me.
Every body and they mama offered to go with me, but not one person said it’s on me.
And for me that was an eye-opener.
So I’m done.
I’m in the middle.
And in the middle means I’m coasting.
I’m in a place that I can’t even explain.
Today I woke up and said FUCK EVERYTHING.
I cancelled a trip that I spent almost two thousand dollars on simply because I didn’t want to go anymore.
No more bending backwards.
I can’t do it anymore.
People will take all they can from you.
They will literally snatch that shit right up.
And it will keep happening.
And not just material, you know it’s not always about money.
But your time, and your attention and your thoughts, and your peace and your energy.
I told my boyfriend the other day, Baby we gotta start praying together. I don’t care if you just hold my hand and say amen at the end. I pray alone every day and we live together. No, we gotta do this together. We gotta get on one accord and stay on one accord.
My relationship is important to me. The one I have with God, myself, with him, my family. Those matter to me. I have to protect them.
You gotta get real picky with who you spend your time with.
And who you give your energy too.
And who you answer the phone for.
Some folks ain’t trying to pour into you the way you can pour into them
.and I’m in the middle.
I’m in the middle because it’s in me to nurture.
It’s in me to listen
It’s in me to hear.
And be there for you.
And I had to tell my own mama today, I can’t do it no more.
Not for you.
Not for my brother.
Not for my sister.
I’m in the middle.
I need some time for me.
I’m in the middle.
Of wanting to be this perfect ass bitch.
This girl that got her life together.
This girl that stacks her money and stays out of the way.
I swear if I could get off social media and still bring in what I bring in on a monthly I would get off of there.
My mind is on another planet
And I can’t function where I am right now.
Let me remind you that this ain’t for you
Its for me.
Sometimes, we want to be perfect.
And I want to be.
And I hate that I feel that way.
But I’m the girl that would rewrite their papers just to get an A instead of an B.
That’s just me.
I’m in the middle because I’m getting older.
And my spirit don’t settle like it used too.
I’m telling you, I ain’t been to sleep this week.
Cat naps here and there but I been going through it.
Listen to me.
I’m in the middle.
My boyfriend told me the other day, bae youdeep as shit.
And he ain’t lying.
I am cus I done been there done that.
It really ain’t much I haven’t been through but that’s another stamp for another day.
I’m in the middle because I’m shifting and I feel myself shifting but where am I going?
That’s what I’m confused about.
That’s why I gotta sit back and let it all figure itself out.
I’m always connecting the dots.
That’s just how I am.
This week, I couldn’t open my mouth.
Check me out.
I could barely open my mouth.
It hurt so bad to talk.
Check me out.
I’m in the middle.
This week I battled with reaching out to some folks.
I wanted so bad to call people because text wouldn’t do.
I wanted to tell them that they hurt my feelings.
I wanted to say hey you stole from me and it hurt me.
Or hey, I feel like you only call me to vent about yo’shit.
Or hey, that one day when you texted me “checking on me” I felt like you was just being nosey and you hurt my feelings.
Or hey, I don’t like how you handled that one thing the other day.
I wanted to say so much this week and the irony of my mouth…I couldn’t even talk this week.
I feel like this week happened for a reason.
In a spiritual way, God told me to let it go.
He deals with those things for His children.
I cried about it and I let it go.
I had to tell my boyfriend I need more from you.
I need you here mentally after you’ve been at work all day.
And I don’t care that you’re tired.
But I’m going through something and I need you.
I needed him to hear me because sometimes I do be tripping.
In the middle.
We have to get to a place where we can find balance.
Balance between where we are and where we want to be.
And in every aspect of our lives.
It’s either I’m flowing career-wise and sinking personally and spiritually or vice versa.
It’s either me and my baby are doing super good and I’m low-key going through something with family or myself
You know it’s always something…and I’m so dramatic which only makes things worse!
I’m always in the middle.
So that’s what led me to fasting and detoxing.
I have been fasting the right way since I was about twenty years old.
I’ve fasted for weeks, months, days…I’ve fasted from sex, social media, drinking, profane language, gossip etc.
I’ve fasted and prayed at 5 am for an entire summer.
Listen, one thing I don’t play about is GOD.
Okay that’s one relationship I cherish above the rest.
But if I’m allowed to be honest with you.
Fasting wasn’t doing it for me.
I would fast and then a few days later, feel the same way.
Or I would cry my eyes out at church and then go home and sin.
Yeah, I know sex is a sin and we aren’t supposed to do it and I keep telling my boyfriend that I want us to abstain to grow closer but then Sunday, I left church. Had brunch with my family and came home and blowed my boyfriend’s mind with some afternoon sloppy toppy. So I’m like what in the world?
I had plans on fasting this week.
I deleted my social media apps and everything.
I was so ready.
And then I got home and he’s getting out the shower and honey that morning church service went right out of the window.
The next morning I woke up and I told myself, I need something more…sticky.
I need to detox.
I need to rid myself of so much.
I need something for real and not to take away from fasting because I definitely believe in fasting but where I am right now I need to detox.
And this week for me, was perfect.
I stayed away from much conversation.
No social media with the exception of Facebook, because I just released my book.
I drank nothing but tea and water.
I didn’t have company over.
And I dealt with me
With no choice because I couldn’t talk.
I’m in the middle.
And I’m figuring something’s out for me as I prepare for 2018.
And I realized that there are some conversations that I will have before this year is out.
There are some people that I need to talk to.
I need to let go of certain things so that I can feel free.
A peace of mind can’t be bought baby.
And in this time, that’s all I really want.
I’m in a place where I find myself in the middle of an ocean and I can’t figure out where is the paddle, or the life jacket.
So do I drown? Or do I swim to sanity?
Matter of fact, where is the map for the next step?
In the middle.
I didn’t write this for you.
But I can tell you that I feel so much better.