tilting the scale

Every other month I tell myself I am going on a diet. In high school, I was a brick house. Stacked. Thick. Now I feel like I’ve let myself go. I am a tad insecure where my weight is concerned no matter how much my husband tells me I’m perfect. Sometimes I just can't help it. Hell, I’ve been hoping I have a growth spurt just to balance out the weight but my short ass isn’t getting any taller; my mama is an inch or two from being considered a midget LOL.

And no, my battle with my weight does not pull away from the love I have for myself. I LOVE ME! I talk to myself all the time and have my moments in the mirror like “yeah, I’m a bad lil’ baby.” LOL. I just want to improve myself. For me, not anyone else. Not even my husband because his ass is definitely stuck with me. I just want to be clear on that because people tend to think that seeking change means you’re so miserable and unhappy with yourself and that’s not the case. There’s nothing wrong with being a better YOU as long as you’re doing it for you.

I see photos of BBW and absolutely adore them. No, they aren't pretty to be big girls. Beauty is NOT measured in pounds. They're beautiful. PERIOD. They “carry their weight well”, balancing curves, thick thighs, and a flat tummy. Hell, even those that have a slight pudge still rock the hell out of their fits with the confidence of 10 top models. I want that comfortable self-assuredness.

I don't want to be no itty-bitty thing. To be honest, these thighs and ass can stay right where it’s at. Okay? (Snaps fingers) I just want to rock a fly ass shirt without my stomach poking, drooping, or jiggling. I want to find pants that aren't leaving prints above my belly button because I’m jacking them up to help secure the bubble. Not washboard flat just t.o.n.e.d. Firm.

I want to do a round trip from my porch to the mailbox without shortness of breath more than the external physical satisfaction. I want to walk up three flights of stairs and not feel the need to snatch somebody’s grandma’s oxygen mask. Sometimes I need an inhaler to roll over and stand LOL. I want to tone up, I want to be healthy. I want to feel healthy.

That’s where I want to be. That’s where I am going to be. I claim it. Don’t worry, I won’t get “boujee” on y’all.

Hugs and air kisses darlings, lol