It doesn’t happen often these days but when it does, I hone in and I do so, completely. This morning, I woke up with the feeling to write. I didn’t care what form it happened in but my fingers were itching and the voices in my head were yapping at a rapid pace. I flung the comforter back, grabbed my robe, snatched my bonnet off, made coffee and then basically jumped and skipped to my desk. When I sat down, the feeling went away and my hopes were tossed out the window.
It'd happened again. I’d tricked myself into thinking that today would be the day where I finally found my mojo again. Usually, I would began to cry or beat myself up because the one thing that I want to do more than anything in this lifetime is the one thing that seems to be the one hurdle I can’t get over. Instead of being defeated automatically, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
I remembered a mantra that a close friend shared with me a couple of years ago.
Stay. With. God.
Three simple words that hold quite a lot of weight.
I will stay with God…I said to myself.
And then I wrote it down, because that’s what the writer that still lives inside of me does often.
I opened a devotion that I read every day and I’ll share the words below.
And then I opened another one of my devotions and I’ll share those words as well with you.
Stick with me today. This all comes together. At least, I think it does.
The Pivot Year – Day 8
You may believe that living life to the fullest is seeing every country in the world and quitting your job on a whim and falling recklessly in love, but it’s just really knowing how to be where your feet are. It’s learning how to take care of yourself, how to make a home within your own skin. It’s learning how to build a simple life you are proud of. A life most fully lived is not always composed of the things that rock you awake, but those that slowly assure you it’s okay to slow down. That you don’t always have to prove yourself. That you don’t need to fight forever, or constantly want more. That it’s okay for things to be just as they are. Little by little, you will begin to see that life can only grow outward in proportion to how stable it is inward – that if the joy is not in the little things, the big things won’t fully find us.
I Hear His Whispers – February 18th
When you join your heart to mine, purpose is realized. As you lean into my love, your will entwines with mine and my glory becomes evident, even in seasons of waiting.
Trust in me and lay aside every anxiety and form of impatience. Do not strive in your flesh or look to others to do for you what only I can do. Your help comes from me and I will bring those who are necessary to assist you in your call. Expect my miracles to come to pass in your life for I am the Father of Love. I will bring to pass the prophetic destiny of your life. What you see today will be changed in a moment. I will bring dramatic and rapid changes to your life, because you have sought me above all else.
This Passport stamp may or may not have been written to reach you, but if it does resonate…blessings.
“Love yourself through the slow and boring stages of transformation” – Lalah Delia
It’s been two years since I’ve blogged or recorded a podcast. I would like to return to doing both on a consistent basis, sooner than later. Now that I am obsessed with Tik-Tok, (still don’t know how it happened but here we are) when I’m watching cooking videos, lifestyle content and women around my age or older share wisdom, all I keep saying is, “I BEEN DOING THIS!”
I know that we are currently living in the age of all things digital. But if you’ve dwelled inside the NAKOEXPO universe for a while then you know you know…I need to tap in to this influencer thing. Soon. Soon. I’m holding myself to it.
I pray that all is well and I pray that for those of you that have genuinely been concerned with my well-being, my mental health and checking in on me and not just to ask where is this book and that book – I pray peace and favor your way. Those random DM’s and emails do mean a lot. And for those that is simply just like, “sis where is the next book?” I love yall too because I need the push lol. It’s a pleasant reminder that I am gifted and called and there is still work for me to complete.
So let me first say that, In Him I Trust was a very random story. It was not supposed to happen. I do not know where those characters came from but the story poured out of me like a broken well. It seems to be when my best work is produced. For example, Is She The Reason came about the same way. What I’ve yet to learn how to do is trust the process. Ten years and eighty books later, one would think that I have learned this lesson but nope, still stressing myself out.
I had all intentions to start the new year with a clean slate of releases meaning, last year would have been the year that I gave you every single book you had been waiting on. And yes, that list included Love In The Ghetto III. I have a plethora of unfinished books that I am anxious to put finishing touches on but they’re all new characters. People that you do not know. However, I didn’t want to do so without closing out old worlds.
Last year went a completely different direction than I intended. Hi God, it’s me. LOL.
I can easily blame my over-thinking, must be in control, lack of grace for myself and the must have every second of the day planned out lifestyle on me being a Libra but the truth of the matter is, this has been me my entire life or shall I say, was me.
Since a little girl, I knew what I wanted to be. I knew the life I was going to have and I worked extremely hard ever since to give it to myself.
Last year, those plans came to a halt followed by what I now know was a deep bout of depression. I gained all the weight that I worked really hard to lose back. I left a job that had depleted my confidence and my creativity. I ended a situationship that should have not started in the first place. I returned to therapy because I didn’t have a choice if I wanted to continue to at least attempt to get out of bed every day. Months of months of job rejection resulted in my mental health being in the worse state it had been in years. I had never felt so low and unworthy in my life. Imagine going on interviews week after week, in hopes that someone will see your light and want to hire you and then being told time after time that you didn’t get the job. I didn’t understand what was happening. This was a new feeling for me, because one, I’d always worked for myself and two, I was used to winning. I begin to feel useless and worthless and before I jumped off a bridge, I decided to leave California. I didn’t want too but at that time, I didn’t feel like I had any other choice.
I moved back home, and not just Atlanta but to my parents house – and as amazing as my parents are that’s the last place I thought I would ever be. I had not lived with my parents since I was 17 years old so you can imagine how I felt.
In the midst of trying to repair my life, the feedback of In Him I Trust was coming in by the boatload. Women and men were pouring their hearts out to me in my DM and inbox and I was so depressed that I simply was just saying thank you. I wished that I could feel how readers felt when they read my books. People were telling me that the book brought them closer to God and in that moment, He was the one person I didn’t want to talk too.
I was so angry at Him.
Why did He make me quit my job if He didn’t have anything else lined up?
Why did He send me to LA only to bring me back home?
Why did He boost my confidence after losing weight only to have me eating and eating and eating until I was sick to my stomach?
And the biggest question of them all, at my lowest, I could always write to heal myself…so why not now? Why couldn’t I write?
Why would God bless me my entire life and then leave me right when I really needed Him the most? I thought all about the people I’d helped, uplifted, supported, etc. etc. etc.
Where were they now? I had no one or at least, that’s what it felt like in the moment.
So many people had promised to help me career-wise. Do you know that even a year later, I have yet to hear back from one person. NOT ONE!
BUT GOD.
I was always told that the fortune was in the follow up. I am Queen of follow-ups.
Today, I can say there has been an incredible lesson learned in all of this.
Rejection is God’s redirection.
Rejection is God’s protection.
Rejection is God’s way of doing something so much bigger than what our eyes can see and hearts can imagine.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but I do – You have not been rejected, you have been reserved.
It’s such a blessing to be able to trust God far past what you can see because if I’m being completely honest, I don’t see anything anymore. I’ve been praying for my vision to be restored when it comes to my future. I’ve been crying out for a fresh touch. I need to be reminded of my purpose and how it came from my passion.
I told my therapist the other day, I did too much too fast.
And when I say that I mean, my 20s’ were lit. I was living in my dream home at 25. WHO DOES THAT? Yeah, we see it on TV. But I’m a black girl from the Westside of Atlanta. I write books. Books changed my life. I was young, traveling the world and taking people along for the ride. Picking up tabs, ordering custom-made furniture. I can go on and on but I know you get the point.
My 20s were beautiful. I accomplished any and everything I put my mind too.
But I can also say that those were the lowest and unhappiest years of my life.
So what now?
That’s the question that has plagued my mind for months and months.
My 20s are behind me. 30s are here. Things have shifted. It’s not so lonely or dark anymore but what happens from here?
How do I write from a place that isn’t empty, missing or broken. I have never felt this whole with so little. Whew!
God provides.
God gives peace to the frustrated.
God gives joy too.
Patience is power.
To tie this together, I want you to read those two passages again. Please.
The Pivot Year – Day 8
You may believe that living life to the fullest is seeing every country in the world and quitting your job on a whim and falling recklessly in love, but it’s just really knowing how to be where your feet are. It’s learning how to take care of yourself, how to make a home within your own skin. It’s learning how to build a simple life you are proud of. A life most fully lived is not always composed of the things that rock you awake, but those that slowly assure you it’s okay to slow down. That you don’t always have to prove yourself. That you don’t need to fight forever, or constantly want more. That it’s okay for things to be just as they are. Little by little, you will begin to see that life can only grow outward in proportion to how stable it is inward – that if the joy is not in the little things, the big things won’t fully find us.
I Hear His Whispers – February 18th
When you join your heart to mine, purpose is realized. As you lean into my love, your will entwines with mine and my glory becomes evident, even in seasons of waiting.
Trust in me and lay aside every anxiety and form of impatience. Do not strive in your flesh or look to others to do for you what only I can do. Your help comes from me and I will bring those who are necessary to assist you in your call. Expect my miracles to come to pass in your life for I am the Father of Love. I will bring to pass the prophetic destiny of your life. What you see today will be changed in a moment. I will bring dramatic and rapid changes to your life, because you have sought me above all else.
This was direct confirmation for me that all will be well, IN HIS TIMING. I’m so glad I decided to write today. Although, it isn’t words in a book, this alone feels freeing.
THIS SEASON IS CALLED STILLNESS
Stillness doesn’t mean stagnation. Stillness means going with the flow. Releasing your hands off your future and trusting God with your life. Stillness is a gift. I’m thankful for the season that I am in. I know that on the other side of this mountain is breakthrough. I know that God will and can do great things in my life. I know I’m still being blessed in spite of what it looks and feels like. I hope you believe that for yourself as well.
Trust and know, that a time for such as this… you are being blessed. Soon, and very soon! We will see His greatness. It will all make sense. I believe that wholeheartedly.
What we thought was a loss or a setback, is merely a step in the right direction.
Lord, help me be the person that you have called me to be. This is a daily prayer for me.
The results I want come with discipline. I can’t expect results if I’m not doing nothing.
My vision is God’s provision.
Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
Do you trust God or not?
It’s time for me to be present in this season and stop living in the past. I was watching this Tik-Tok last night and the girl was saying that she has a bad habit of looking at her old memories and statuses on social media. I said to myself, “Girl, me too.”
She went on to say that she realized her mood would change after doing so and then she would go down a rabbit hole of pictures and videos. She was currently in a smaller home, new state and at a job that wasn’t really fulfilling her.
S.N. – Don’t you just love when you’re watching a video that you can super relate too? I’m always relieved to know that it’s not just me that be thinking the way I think sometimes.
I could relate to how she felt. I too, do this often and I’ve found myself constantly speaking about what I used to do, or go, or where I’ve been. Especially with my writing. I used to write 10-20K words a day. I used to drop two or three books back to back. I used to sell out of my books as soon as they were posted on my website, I had a thriving reading group, retreats, product launches, crazy marketing releases etc.etc.
I gotta stop dwelling on the past and place my eyes to the future.
If God did it before, He can do it again. And He will.
In closing, I want to encourage you to get back on your Zoom. RIP to that lady.
Lift your head. Remind yourself of who you are. Stand on business. Do a vision board if it’s helpful. Get an accountability partner and a prayer partner too. Re-evaluate and re-strategize. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You can do great things with your gift. You will change the world. You are successful. You are whole and complete. You are loved. Valued. Seen and appreciated. You are not alone. You are surrounded by love. You are surrounded by peace. What you desire, is yours. Be okay with being in a season of stillness and while you’re in this season, prepare for greatness. It’s coming.
If you’re a creative, there’s a special place in my heart for you. Stay with God and stay the course. Start where you are. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Eyes on your own paper. Eyes on your future, don’t worry about what others are doing. Your lane has been specifically crafted for you. And it is so.
If you’ve made it to the end of this stamp, blessings to you.
Xoxonako
